It’s been about a month since I completed the first year of my PhD program. I’ve spent the last few weeks attempting to rest and heal — though one of my jobs is making that a bit difficult at the moment. Regardless, now that I’ve had some time to think, I wanted to share some reflections on my first year, expectations vs. reality edition.
To be frank, this year was hot garbage. I attribute this to several things, the first of which is the pandemic. But also because I attempted to do way too much work-wise and burnt myself out fairly early on. While I passed all my classes, throwing most of my energy into work is a regret (ish) that I am aiming to avoid repeating in the next few years.
Part of my ambition stemmed from the expectation that I would have the energy to do it all. In some ways, I did it all because I had to. But barely keeping my head above water and attending meetings and making deadlines is not quite the same as living your best life.
Read on for the other expectations I started the year with and how they actually* worked out.
Expectation #1: I’m going to know what I want to research for my dissertation by the time I’m done with my first year.
I know you’re laughing. I’m laughing at myself as I read this back. Who did I think I was? I’m not entirely sure why I was so optimistic.
Reality: If you’re also in grad school (especially a PhD program), you know how ridiculous this sounds. While some people do come in knowing exactly what they want to research and only deviate slightly, I was not one of those people. And honestly, after a year of classes, I am more confused now than when I first came in. Have I seen growth in myself as a scholar? Yes. Was I able to narrow my interests slightly? Also yes. But with that came the realization that I don’t know a lot. No one really knows a lot. Prior to this, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Now, I am more painfully aware of the fact that I really don’t know anything.
Expectation #2: I will not get close with anyone in my cohort.
Call me a pessimist, but I was highly skeptical about becoming friends with anyone in my cohort. This thought developed from two truths. First, we were online during a pandemic. Forging authentic, deep connections online is challenging. Second, we are in a high-stakes environment where we are ultimately competing against each other. While I like to think that I’m not an obnoxiously competitive person, I was not sure how the other people would feel. Even when we don’t want to compete, it can feel like there is pressure to do so.
Reality: I actually did get close with one of the people in my cohort (s/o to Cam if you’re reading this). And the rest of the people in my cohort ended up being very friendly. While I’m not as close with all of them, I hope that being in person in the Fall will help a lot with more organic connections and friendships. So far, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the supportive environment within my cohort.
Expectation #3: I’m going to be so motivated to network with people and attend all the virtual webinars within my field of interest.
I was so hopeful. So, so hopeful ya’ll.
Reality: I sort of did this, but not with nearly as much gusto. Networking is still one of my least favorite things to do, and after the first few meetings, it just became exhausting. I am proud of myself for connecting with the people I did and for initiating some PMs (private messages) in my Zoom classes. Initially, I signed up for a lot of webinars. But I quickly realized that the last thing I wanted to do in my spare time was stare at my screen and listen to people in academia talk more. We can be really obnoxious. Also, I never watched the recorded webinars. Many of them are sitting in my email inbox, waiting to be opened for the first time.
Expectation #4: I’m going to (inevitably) lose touch with the “real world.”
This was one of my biggest fears. And also probably why I held on to my serving job for so long. More to unpack there later.
I’ve read so many stories about how people enter academia with good intentions but end up becoming a part of the Ivory Tower. I did not want to be one of those people, but at the same time, how could this not inevitably happen?
Reality: I definitely notice that I talk waaaay too much and way more in-depth about topics in “regular” conversation now. I theorize a lot when people not in academia (and also not in a classroom setting) really don’t ask me to. It’s a lowkey (highkey?) annoying habit that I’ve noticed that academics do. But, realizing this has helped me better monitor my language when in non-academic spaces. While I cannot be the person who determines whether or not I’m losing touch with the “real world,” I like to think that my other jobs and anxiety over this very phenomenon have helped combat this process.
Expectation #5: Racism, sexism, classism, ableism, etc. will be everywhere in academia, more pronounced than before.
Listen, the number of horror stories I’ve heard about professors? I was preparing myself for the worst.
Reality: The “isms” in academia can manifest differently. But are they more pronounced than the racism, etc. of everyday life? Not really. What is worse: people in academia tend to use their status to exempt themselves from critical reflection of their (problematic) beliefs and behaviors. Or they justify them because, you know, they have a dOctoRAte. Cathy Park Hong said it best:
Patiently educating a clueless white person about race is draining. It takes all your powers of persuasion. Because it’s more than a chat about race. It’s ontological. It’s like explaining to a person why you exist, or why you feel pain, or why your reality is distinct from their reality. Except it’s even trickier than that. Because the person has all of Western history, politics, literature, and mass culture on their side, proving you don’t exist.
Cathy Park Hong, Minor Feelings, 18
In theory, a PhD means you should know better, and therefore do better. But that doesn’t always happen.
Also, people in academia (myself included) love talking about epistemology, ontology, and axiology. So her assessment is just
via GIPHY
Expectation #6: Every project or endeavor will pan out in a timely fashion.
I thought that every project I was looped into would pan out. In general, when someone with more authority and power asks me to do something, I am ready to go. Or I communicate that I do not have the capacity to work on the project.
Reality: People will come to you with project ideas and then never follow up. You’ll go to people with ideas and then never follow up. I used to take the lack of follow-up personally, staying in contact and asking for updates. Now I know that if someone asks me to be involved with something, I cannot be the only one trying to drive it forward. Sure, there are a few cool opportunities that I wanted to work out but didn’t. But I also know that new opportunities are everywhere in academia. Just give it a few days.
Expectation #7: This is the right decision for me (and this year will affirm that).
This phrasing reads more like a thought than an expectation. I really struggled with not feeling qualified enough for PhD programs during the application season. Because of this, I really thought that my acceptances were a sign that this was the right path for me. I wouldn’t have gotten accepted to programs at this time if it wasn’t the right thing for me to do right now, right? This is what I’m supposed to be doing.
Reality: While I definitely still believe in timing, I’m less convinced than I was at the beginning of the year that this was the right decision for me. It echoes my first point — I didn’t know what I didn’t know. There was no way for me to even begin formulating an opinion on whether or not this was the right decision until I’d actually started. The longer I’ve been in the program, the more experiences I’ve had that contextualize my decision.
I stilll have plenty of doubt that this was the best path I could’ve taken. Did I cut myself off from other options because I was so desperate to get into programs?
In Conclusion
I spend a lot of time thinking about my relationship to work and careers. I constantly wonder what my life would be like if I’d spent the last three years after undergrad working in some big company, moving up the ranks. Where would I be? Would I be happy? Happier than I am now? It’s impossible to know. But the point is, I’m now more accepting of the reality that this did not have to be my reality. But I’m working on embracing it a little bit more every day.
What were some expectations you had about your grad program (or job) before it started? How did they hold up?
*A note on reality: At the risk of getting into a lengthy ontological, epistemological, and axiological discussion of reality — this is written from my own lived experience. Yours may be different. And if it is, please share in the comments!
How I like to think about the following words:
ontology: what we know
epistemology: how we know what we know
axiology: what is valued
If you have feedback on anything I said, or the way I said it, please let me know. I am still learning and growing. I know that even if I had no intention of being hurtful or harmful in my writing the impact might be different.
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